Paper Thoughts #2

 

Screenshot taken from the Korean Drama "It's OK to Not be OK"

Typing out "I love you" is always easier for me than saying it out loud. I know I do not say it enough, if I even say it at all, but I truly love each and every one of you. When you walk into my life, whether you choose to stay or leave is entirely up to you. However, do know that whichever decision you make, you will ALWAYS be a part of my world. As hard as I try, I just cannot erase the footprints you will leave behind. I may go years without talking to you, and we may never see each other again, but that does not mean you will never cross my mind. And, if you have already left, still know that more than once, I thought of you.

I am a complicated person. Sometimes, I have nothing to say. Other times, I have too much to say. Both results in me unable to say anything at all. The more I love you and care about you, the closer I keep you to my heart. However, the closer you are, the harder it is for me to tell you how important you are to me. Instead, I will work ten times harder to protect you, to cherish you, and to prove that you matter a great deal to me. So, if I have never told you before, or if I have not said it lately, I LOVE each and every one of YOU. I have been thinking of you all, and I pray that you all are safe. Wherever you are right now, please be careful and take care of yourself. The next time we talk or see one another, I want it to be filled with joy.

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Paper Thoughts #1

 9.20.2020: [BLANK ENTRY POSTED]

9.26.2020: I pondered for a very long time on how to begin this entry. Every beginning I thought of sounded cliche, including this one. No words sounded right when I first scribbled them down. 

In fact, I am still searching for the right words as I write this entry. However, I do not wish to keep postponing this post (that had initially been posted blank) any longer. I need to get my thoughts and feelings down even if they are just a string of incoherent rambles.

Sunday morning, I learned that a person I know had passed away in an accident. I knew this person from middle school- 6th grade to be precise. My family and I had just moved into town from out of state, and I was starting middle school for the very first time. I knew no one and had no friends. I was very lonely. Then, I walked into science period, and there he was. He was the first Hmong person I met in school that day and the only one to come talk to me. I immediately felt so much better knowing that there was another person I could connect with. I still remember feeling so stupid when we both got paired up for our egg drop experiment, and I had no clue what to do. I was trying to be smart, but in the end, our egg still cracked, and he just laughed. Everything was always so chill and easy with him.

Somewhere along the way, we grew apart. We were not even friends anymore because we stopped hanging out together in school. We started running with different crowds outside of school. He became one of the guys, and I became one of the nerds. We were still on friendly terms, but we lost that easy middle school friendship.

The last time I saw him was at his cousin's wedding. We shared a quick conversation to see how each other was doing, and again, he was full of smiles and laughter. Who knew it would be the last time I would ever see him again? No one suspected such a thing.

I did not realize how much I missed our friendship until I heard of his passing. It was a hit and run, which is not right at all. He was so young and so hard-working. He was definitely loved and missed by many. He touched many people's lives with his personality. And, as much as I hate to admit it because I know he would laugh at me if he knew, he also touched mine.

So... This post is for you. Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for always being true; even though your honesty hurt like hell. You always seem to see right through me, and that scared me shitless. But, you were still a good guy. Continue to be chill and happy where you are. Don't laugh too much at me now because I finally admit it, you were right about everything. Take care of yourself.

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