Challenge Post- Day 8

8. I fear the unknown. I believe this is a reasonable fear that everyone has because the majority of us are not psychics or prophets. We cannot foretell what tomorrow holds for ourselves or love ones. Because of that reason, I do fear the unknown. I try not to wonder about the unknown too much, but instead try to accept each day as it is. Overcome challenges, celebrate successes, and relish each moments with the people around me as much as I can.

7. I fear the unseen. This fear comes with my cultural and religious beliefs. I believe in the supernatural. I believe there are such things as ghosts and spirits. I also believe in a higher power, like guardians and gods. I have had my fair share of experiences to believe in the unseen and to fear it. And, when that happens, I pray.

6. I fear large bodies of water. I love being around large bodies of water- beach, lakes, rivers, pools. I love them. At the same time, I fear them. If I ever fall in, there is no way I am coming back up for air without help. I guess my fear then would be drowning because I almost did. Short little story: My aunt and uncle took my siblings and I to the beach when we were kids. They wanted to do something nice for us since my parents never took us anywhere. My grandma came along to help babysit. We were all told to say near the shore since none of us kids knew how to swim. I followed the rules, yet I was the one who almost drowned. My brother was hopping in the water like a frog when he knocked me over. I fell into the water and got swept away with the current. I could not touch the bottom when I tried to stand up. Neither could I get my head above water long enough to scream for help. By the time my aunt got me back to shore, I was already traumatized.

5. I fear discrimination. Who doesn't? I am a minority. I am a female. I am from a lower-class. I am a bookworm. I am short. I am overweight. I am full of scars. I think my fear of discrimination comes with how I was raised. My low-esteem and lack of confidence definitely affects the degree of this fear. Do not get me wrong. I have worked very hard to overcome those discriminations and prove them wrong. However, that fear still lingers in the back of my mind. It acts as a consistent reminder that I need to work hard, stay strong, be humble, show kindness, have empathy, and learn and grow every day.

4. I fear disappointment. I am very blessed to have the people I have in my life. All of them and the amount of support and love they have given me are endless. Whether I need advice or guidance, they are always present and readily available at my disposal. With it comes the burden of failure. Because I love and respect each and every one of them so much, I fear that I would disappoint them if I fail to meet their expectations. That fear of disappointing them scares me more than the fear of failing myself.

3. I fear men. I... do not know if 'fear' is the right word. I admit I am uncomfortable and nervous around men. I am weary of them, but I do not fear them- unless the situation calls for it. I can talk to a man and be OK (with a lot of stuttering) if it is for a short period of time. This applies to both men I know (excluding family members) and men I do not know. If that conversation is occurring over a period of time, then I start feeling anxious because I am mentally running out of topics to discuss. I prefer talking to a man in a group of people rather than alone. I know part of this fear stems from low self-esteem and lack of confidence (again), but a big part of it stems from unfortunate experiences. So, for those wondering, yes, this is why I have not dated for over a decade and is very hesitant about jumping back into the dating pool.

2. I fear enclosed space. This one is easy- I am claustrophobic. I got locked in a laundry mat restroom by accident when I was little. The restroom was very tiny, dirty, and scary with its poor lighting. I screamed and screamed for help but no one came right away. It was late in the afternoon, so the laundry mat was quite empty. My mom and grandma did not hear me over the sounds either. I was locked in the restroom for a good while before my grandma came looking for me.

1. I fear the death of a love one. 

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Challenge Post- Day 9

9. I love watching dramas. I grew up watching all sorts of dubbed dramas with my family, so dramas are actually a huge part of my life. My grandparents did not speak English, work, or drive. As survivors of wars and immigrants from another country, they were very anxious about the outside world. Us little kids did not have the luxury of playing outside whenever we wanted. We could not afford toys inside the house either. Therefore, watching dramas after school were our only option- when we were not too busy eating, sleeping, or playing pretend. My parents, especially my dad, would watch dramas on the weekend when they were able to rest from work. If my siblings and I wanted to spend some family time with them, then we would have to watch dramas with them too. Over time, watching dramas became an activity that allowed our family to spend time together. Now, watching dramas is still a favorite pastime of mine.

8. I love reading books. I will forever be grateful for books. Reading books became my lifeline when I was drowning at age 10. My parents were not as present during my elementary years. They were always working to support our family. My grandparents raised my siblings and I along with my cousins. I was the older girl in the group, so I was responsible for taking care of the little ones. I was forced to grow up. I remember feeling very lost and alone in 4th grade. I did not have an adult I could connect with at home, so school became my favorite place to be. My 4th grade teacher basically opened the door to the world for me when he showed all of his students our classroom library. I realized I did not have to "stay at home" with books. I could read and go places. I could escape my world and lose myself in a whole new dimension. Reading books became the one thing that my family could not take away from me.

7. I love working with digital art. I have said it before and I will say it again: I am not a social butterfly, and I am a very sentimental person. I enjoy videography and photography for that reason. I can be behind the camera and still be able to capture the moments. I wanted to learn photography and go into the arts and film industry when I was in middle school and high school. However, I was never allowed to. My dad had expectations he had set for me, and I always felt I had to live up to them. So, I never pursued those interests but still wanted to be able to express myself when words failed me. Luck was on my side when I discovered the world of fan fiction and graphic designs that eventually led me to photoshop and digital art today. 

6. I love writing snippets. I think snippets are as good as stories. They are moments- memories- scribbled and captured in action. In fact, it is those individual snippets that combined makes up a story. Think about a storyboard or a timeline. Can you really create an entire story without an outline? Even in real life, we have stages that mark the different chapters of our life story. Graduation. Marriage. Death. I kid you not when I say Shakespeare's "The Seven Ages of a Man" resonates louder than anything at this moment.

5. I love listening to stories. The Hmong people did not have a written language until the Romanized Popular Alphabet was introduced to them in the 1950s. Oral storytelling was how our cultural practices and beliefs were passed down for generations after generations. We have a type of stories called "dab neeg," which roughly means fables, folklores, fairytales, and/or legends. (Now, there is another type of stories called "neej neeg," which refers to storytelling of more recent events. However, I do not listen to "neej neeg" as much as I do "dab neeg.") My grandparents, especially my grandma, were really big on storytelling. She would tell us all these different "dab neeg" when we were kids. Most of them were told to teach us a life lesson (i.e., Cinderella or "Nkauj Nog"). Others were told to scare us from doing something we were not supposed to (i.e., ghost stories as "dab" in dab neeg can also translates to ghost). So, listening to stories was also another activity that allowed our family to spend time together. It was a time when us kids would actually ask questions about the characters and discuss the stories. I still listen to "dab neeg" whether I am cleaning my room, hanging out with my siblings, or driving on the road.

4. I love traveling to new places. I enjoy the sceneries and seeing new places. I do not travel as much as I would love to though. One, I cannot afford to travel whenever and where I want. And two, I am afraid of exploring new places alone. I feel extremely anxious when I am out of my comfort zone. As a result, even though I desire to travel the world, I do not do so. I guess I am still waiting for my traveling companion to show so we can explore new places together.

3. I love watching sunrises and sunsets. I am also quite obsess with moonlit nights. The beauty of nature is at its finest, if I may say so. Maybe one day my traveling companion and I can watch sunrises, chase sunsets, and bask in moonlight together.

2. I love spending quality times with my family and friends. Do I need to say more?

1. I love my independence.

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Challenge Post- Day 10

10. I have a weak stomach. As a result, I avoid eating in restaurants and social events if I could. It is not that I do not enjoy the food or eating out with family and friends. It is simply because my stomach will reject the food. Within 10 minutes of eating- 20 if I am lucky- I will need to use the restroom. Even a rich sandwich or salad will still send me running. It is embarrassing, but it is also a disgusting truth.

9. I find socializing exhausting and challenging. I was never a social butterfly. I still am not a social butterfly. I often do not share the same interests as other people, making conversations very difficult to carry on. Because I am socially awkward, I find making friends and finding potential dates quite difficult. However, for the ones who persevered and actually made it past my wall are truly treasured and kept close to my heart.

8. I do not give second chances. Every person that I encounter and become an acquaintance with will always have 100% of my trust. I chose to see the good in people and believe that there are good intentions behind every actions. I will trust that person, support that person, and stand up for that person until I am proven wrong. The moment that trust is broken is the moment I am done with that person. I can forgive mistakes, but I can never forget them either. As the saying goes, "wounds may heal, but the scars remain."

7. I live with insomnia. It has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. It still is a part of my life. For a while, I though I was an oddball in the family because I would lie awake late into the night while everyone else slept. Then, I thought I was simply born a night owl who could pull all nighters during the week of school and still managed to function. Now, I realized all those sleepless nights were due to insomnia. The insomnia gets worse with stress, which in my case is all the time.

6. I experience some degree of depression. With the insomnia comes the depression. I am a physically, mentally, and emotionally weak person. More so physically and emotionally, I think. I empathize easily with people, and with that, I also hurt easily. I cry as quickly as I laugh. I sometime wear my emotions on my sleeves, but most times, I hide them so well others cannot tell how I am feeling. If mild, I find myself spending hundreds of dollars at a time on myself- something I do not practice on a regular basis. If moderate, I find myself isolated in my room and in my bed sleeping the hours away. I have yet to experience severe depression, and I pray I will never do. I am afraid of what I am capable of the moment all I see is black.

5. I hate changes. I understand that not all changes are bad, but boy, do I still hate changes. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave foot prints in your heart." It is not those people who walk in and out of my life that hurts me most but those friends who leave foot prints behind. Because I am such an emotional and sentimental person, I hold everyone and everything very closely to my heart. When changes happen, some of those I hold dearly start slipping away, and I cannot get them back. I learn to let them go and to adapt to those changes, but every time it happen, it hurts so much.

4. I enjoy watching people. I do not know if this counts as a secret since everyone participates in all the times. However, being the kind of person I am, I do enjoy people watching. The shape of their smile, the sound of their voice, and the ways they interact with their surrounding are all so unique and special. Every person is living out his or her very own story, and for just a moment, I am blessed to get a glimpse of it. I may not be a participant but I am a witness of such a story no matter the ending.

3. I believe in those once-in-a-lifetime-love. I acknowledge that love comes in many forms and can be given in many ways to different people at the same time. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my students. I love my idols. I love my books. I love my independence. However, these are not quite my once-in-a-lifetime-love. My family is continually growing. My friends and students come and go with each passing year. My idols and books change as my independence take me places. A once-in-a-lifetime-love will continue to grow but will never leave or change as it remain by my side.

2. I am uncomfortable around men. Where to start with this one? It may have to be a post of its own for another day.

1. I hold too many secrets.

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Scribbles from the Heart #7

She lightly dab at the smudge underneath her lower lash line. She has been fixing her make up for over an hour now. Just a little more and she will finally be done....

She backs away from the mirror to double-check her final touch-up. Granted she is no make-up artist and has no patience for it, she truly thinks she has done quite the job with the neutral look. Not too plain for the occasion, yet not too much for it either. Finally satisfy with her work, she tosses the used Q-tip into the trash and flick off the bathroom light. 

She hums a soft tune to herself as she walks over to the bed. All laid out on top are her dress, gown, and accessories. She picks up the short, white, cotton silk dress and slips it on over her white slip. The dress stops an inch above her knees but does a decent job of conserving the rest of her figure. Next on are the simple silver earrings and necklace. Finally, she slips into the black gown. She has just finish zipping up the front of the gown when she hears a knock outside her bedroom door.

"I'm almost ready," she says as she sits down on a stool to slip on a pair of nude heels. "I'll be out in two minutes."

Once she is in her heels, the last thing she needs to put on is her cap. She walks into the bathroom one more time to adjust the cap on her head. She gently secure it in place with some bobby pins. Giving herself one final look over in the bathroom, she decides she is ready.

She grabs her phone off her desk on her way out the door. Her family is waiting in the living room with smiles and cameras ready.

"Ready?" her family asks.

She can only nod. A part of her is ready while the other part is not. Excitement and nervousness swim together in the pit of her heart. She feels both proud and sad. Proud that all she had worked so hard for has finally dwindle down to this moment. Proud that she had came so far with so much to live for when she really started the journey with so little to go on. At the same time, she is sad that all her efforts will be recognized in this one moment. Sad that this moment will signify the end of her long journey and the beginning of a new one.

A while later, she is sitting in a crowd of students just like her. Students who have shed many tears of stress, lost many nights of sleep, and exerted much efforts over the past few years for this one moment. The moment that will announce to thousands of witnesses these students have become adults. Leaders who will take over the responsibilities of yesterday's generation and prepare a future for tomorrow's generation. To all these waiting students, this one moment is both exhilarating and frightening. At times, time seems to be moving very slowly. At other times, time seems to be moving too quickly. No matter how hard each student tries to grasp onto the moment, to stall their youth for just a little longer, the moment continues to slip through their fingers. 

At last, the moment has arrive.

One moment, she is waiting in the crowd with her colleagues. The next moment, she is walking up the aisle toward the stage. Then, she hears her name called and she is walking across the stage in front of a sea of people. Finally, she is at the edge and she sees she is on the big screen.

Wave. Smile. Pose.

Thoughts run through her mind as she struggles to live in the moment while trying to capture it. One thought rings the loudest of all: This is my moment.

© N. Hli 2016 All rights reserved.
[Date written: December 2016]

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Scribbles from the Heart #6

Nights
By their lake's side.
Moonlight on dancing waves.
Cool breezes stir nights,
Soft caresses on cheeks
Twirling hair strands past.
Beautiful promises in whispers.

In darkness,
Two hearts wander.
One lost.
One yearns.
Time, tick-tock,
Two realms.

Dwelling in his presence,
Reminiscing alone.
Wavering, illuminating, at horizon
A mirage.
In prayer she sits,
His name on tendered lips.

Nights
By their lake's side.
Moonlight on stilled waves.
Pink blossom petals withered,
Drifting to silent rests.
Colors fade, seasons change.
Silent songs in passing.

In long nights,
Their lake awaits.
No hearts yearn.
No souls wait.
Time is lost
By lake's side.


© N. Hli 2016 All rights reserved.
[Date written: December 2016]

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