FWB: Author's Note

(October 17, 2011):

I actually wrote “Friends without Benefits” for a writing contest that one of the girls I usually follow on Blogger hosted. It was her first time hosting a writing contest, so there were not a lot of participants. Therefore, I decided to participate in order to support her first contest and motivate myself to write another story. The name of the writing contest was called Priceless Theories, and the objective of the contest was to build a story upon a theory you personally believe.

When I started “Friends without Benefits,” I had no idea where the story was going to lead and how it was going to end. I had a general idea of the theory I wanted to build upon, but I was not certain. I was not sure how to create a story that would emit the significance of my theory either, so I just wrote whatever came to mind. Evol, to me, is an innocent suburban girl that dwells in the beauty of her hometown. Although I did not fully develop her character, I wanted her personality to show through her thoughts, feelings, and environment unlike Kai’s. Portraying an ideal guy was hard, so I used a lot of self-interests to bring forth Kai’s character and his interests. I wanted to portray him as a carefree and romantic guy typical of the-guy-next-door, and the best way to do that was to use photography as the focus point. It is, after all, the whole cause of Kai and Evol’s meeting.

The different stages in Evol and Kai’s relationship are what I used to develop my theory that friendship is the best relationship two people can have developed between them. As human beings, our first encounter with a stranger is always filled with uncomfortable silence and sometimes awkwardness. We tend to hide our true selves and refrained from conversing about ourselves due to the lack of trust. However, once we have passed that stage and became friends with that person, we realized that there really is nothing we do not wish to share with him or her. It is the stage where we can laugh at one another, argue with each other, and cry together and is still able to make up at the end of the day. However, friendships can change for better or for worse, and it is due to this change that I wanted to emphasize on. Once a change has taken place, the possibility of things returning to the way they had been before is very little. Evol’s relationship with Kai is the perfect example of a change that cannot return to how it was before.

I honestly was not expecting to win the writing contest when I submitted “Friends without Benefits”. I did not have enough confidence to even hope for an hour, and I felt as if I had not done a good job carrying out the story’s plot. So after submission, I actually forgot about the writing contest until recently when I was carrying about my routine on Blogger that I remembered. I visited the girl in charge of the writing contest’s blog and saw that I won. I was shocked, but I was really happy too. What made me even happier were the comments that I received from her and the judge that read the entries with her:

Winner is: Shawty!!! Your story was brilliant. Fabulous and I loved it girl!

Judge's say: The story that I read here was something that should go into a magazine, it was that well written. What a wonderful way to express the different stages in one’s life. Truly, a good read. You completely deserve this!                

Their kinds of comments are what remind me of why I enjoyed writing and are what motivates me to continue writing even though my progress is slow. As long as my writing is able to produce even the smallest smile on someone’s face, then I am content.

Thank you for reading “Friends with Benefits”!

Love, shawty_12

© N. Hli 2015 All rights reserved.
[HS Pen Name: shawty_12]

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FWB: Official

“…Hello? Kai?”

“Evol?”

“Y-Yes…. I-did I wake you up? I’m sorry.”

“It is all right. Is something wrong? Why are you calling so late?”

“It’s…. I…. Can you meet me in the park tomorrow? I… um… has something to tell you.”

“Sure. Is tomorrow morning at 9 okay?”

“Yes! I- I will see you tomorrow then. Good night!”

“Good night.”

I paced back and forth in front of the picnic table, clenching and unclenching my fists. I was anxious to see Kai and get my confession over with, but at the same time, I was filled with nervousness. I felt sick to my stomach. My throat felt undeniably dried too, and I was nervous I would not be able to get any words out when I see him. I glanced at my watch and groaned when I saw that it was only 8:50 A.M. I could not sleep last night and ended up coming half an hour earlier than the appointed time.

An autumn breeze blew past and I consciously held up both my hands to hold my hair in place. Once the breeze has passed, I readjusted my clothing for the hundredth time before I began pacing again. Although the pacing was supposed to help calmed my nerves, it did little of that. Instead, it added more ‘what ifs’ to the jumble of mess in my head. I was so busy practicing my confession in my head that I did not noticed Kai’s arrival.

“Evol?” I jumped at the sound of his voice. “Are you all right?”

I whirled around to face him, and for a second I lost my breath. His hair was still wet from his morning shower and out of place from walking in the wind. Yet, he still looked absolutely stunning when he peered into my face with concerned eyes. His hand came up and brushed my bangs away from my eyes. The warmth of his touch seeped through my skin all the way to bottom of my heart and for a moment I forgot why we were there so early in the morning.

“You have bags under your eyes,” he said, his voice pulling me away from my trance, “but you don’t seem to have a fever. Did you not sleep well last night?” When I pulled away from him without an answer, he hooked an index finger under my chin and lifted it up to meet his penetrating eyes. “Evol?”

“…I have something I want to tell you.”

He let go of my chin and took a step back so that I could be within his view. “Yes, that is what you said to me last night. What is it? Tell me. I am listening.”

My heart was racing a mile a minute, its sound resonating loudly in my ears. Suddenly Kai seemed really close, and how ever my confession was prepared earlier was no longer important. The nervousness was still screaming within me, but the urge to confess to Kai overpowered it along with everything else. I did not give myself a chance to give everything else a second thought for fear of backing out. Summoning the little bit of courage that I had, I took a deep breath and closed the distance between us again.

“Kai… I like you.”

There was a long moment of silence as neither of us said anything after that. Our eyes continued to hold one another but other than blinking now and then, neither of us made any motion of moving. I was afraid to move, to look away, or to even laugh and said that I was just joking. The atmosphere between us has changed from calm and comfortable into something strange and awkward. It was not the same awkward as the time when we first met one another, or the same awkwardness that one felt when an uncomfortable topic has been raised and neither party knew how to respond. It was a totally different atmosphere that felt suffocating.

Finally, I could not take it anymore. “Say something please.” I averted my eyes and backed away from him. “It is scarier than a rejection when you just stand there.”

Kai scratched the back of his head sheepishly while an embarrass smile formed on his lips. He was trying to act nonchalant and unaffected but when his eyes met mine again, they were filled with apologies. My heart sank.

“I am sorry. I did not mean to put you on the spot, you know, after you have just confessed… to me of all guys. Listen Evol, I am really grateful that you are interested in me even though I am not the best looking guy in town, or the perfect guy that every girl hopes for, but… I cannot accept your feelings.”

My throat felt dry again and I had to force myself to remain calm. I wanted to run away and hide, to cry my eyes out in my room, but I wanted to know one more thing. “May I… may I ask why?”

“I… I already have a girlfriend.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out his cellphone. He flipped it opened and showed me the screen. Smiling out at me was a picture of him with his arms wrapped around the waist of a beautiful girl around our age. He had rested his chin on her left shoulder while she leaned her head against his as they stared in the direction of the camera. They looked really happy together. “Her name is Hope. We have been together for three years now. She… is coming to see me today. I… wanted to ask if you want to come with me to go pick her up from the airport. Do you- do you still want to go?”

“No,” I answered, shaking my head. I could feel the tears welling up and all I wanted to do at the moment was leave this place. “I- I promised my mom this morning that I would run an errand for her today. It is getting kind of late too so I should head back. I will um… see you later.”

I gave him a forced smile before I made a move to walk past him. He instinctively held out his hand and caught my arm before I could get passed him. “Evol, wait. I… Even though I cannot accept your feelings, I hope that we can still be friends.”

“Friends….” The word hurt so much. “Sure. Friends forever right?”

“…Right.” He knew that I was lying and I knew that he knew, but at the moment neither of us was brave enough to pursue the matter anymore. His grip on my arm gradually loosened and then it was gone. “I will see you later then.”

“Right.”

The journey home was cloaked in tears and hurt. The pain of a broken heart was unbearable especially when Kai was my first love. I cannot remember how long I mourned my broken heart but the pain eventually subsided and all that was left of the wound was an ugly scar. Kai and I were never the same after that day. Our friendship disappeared and any kind of relationship that we had or should have had never took course again. The last thing that I heard about him was that he and his family had returned to the United States. That news took place two months after my confession. I have not heard from him since.

Even though I kept on hoping and waiting that one-day he would return whether with or without his girlfriend so that we could make up, the day never came. He never sent me a letter nor gave me a call, and sometimes I wonder why. Maybe I should not have been so selfish and stubborn. Maybe I should not have confessed so willfully without considering his feelings. Maybe I should give him a call first and apologize. However, I was scared, and because I was scared, I continued to hold back.

In the end, Kai and I still had been nothing more than just friends.

[Click to go to Author's Note.]


© N. Hli 2015 All rights reserved.
[Official date of completion: August 2011]

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FWB: Friendship

“Kai, why do you like photography?”

He snapped a picture of a Silver-studded Blue butterfly taking flight from its rest on a golden sunflower, its white and blue wings apparent under the setting sun’s rays, before he looked up with a frown on his flawless face. His brown orbs looked past me as he considered the question. A slight breeze tousled his cherry red hair out of place and he unconsciously reached up to pat it back in place. I could not help but noticed the visible skin beneath his uplifted shirt. Our eyes met for the briefest of moment after and I had to look away under his knowing look. The frown removed itself from his face to be replaced by a teasing smile.

“Maybe it is because I grew up holding a camera that I cannot imagine myself doing anything else besides photography,” he finally answered. “But if I am to be honest,” he stepped away from the patch of sunflowers and toward me on the path, “it is because photography is the only form of art that I can express myself in.”

He joined me on the path and we continued through the garden. The scent of flowers surrounding us deepened the further we walked toward the center of the garden. A stream of varied bright and colorful flowers met our eyes as well while far off in the distance the sounds of chirping birds filled our ears. Kai continued to fill the memory chip in his Sony SLT-A55 as if oblivious to his surroundings, but I knew that between us he was the keenest.

“What do you mean?” I asked as I watched him squat down next to a daisy before snapping a picture of it. “Although photography may be considered a form of art, you still cannot express yourself through it. It is different from painting and drawing or even singing and dancing.”

Kai stood up, took one last look at his camera screen, and then covered the camera’s lens. He motioned in the direction that we came from and we turned back. “You’re right when you said that photography is different from the other kinds of art. However, it is only different due to its reversed techniques of expressions. Other than that, photography is not much different from you singing and dancing, or me painting and drawing, but God knows I cannot do either.”

We both laughed at his last statement. Overhead the sun’s rays were becoming less intense and the sound of chirping birds has been replaced by buzzing insects. Night was fast approaching and out here in the suburb the night can become pitch black without any source of lights. Yet, neither of us bothered to speed up our pace as we sauntered back toward the parked car in the emptied parking lot.

“I still do not understand….”

Kai paused for a moment to consider his explanation. Then he said, “With the other forms of art, the artists have to create the art themselves before they can show it. With photography, the art is already present; the artists just need to reveal it. So you’re wondering how I can express myself through an artwork that I did not create myself. Well, my pictures are my artworks. I may not have created the objects in my pictures, but the fact that I even bothered to take pictures of those objects makes them my artworks. If a person wanted to know the kind of person that I am, then he or she must look through my pictures and focused on the objects in them. They will tell that person the kind of person that I am.”

We emerged from the garden path and onto the cemented lot. The sun has gone into hiding then, and night has taken over. It was a cloudy night, so Kai took out his cellphone and flipped it on. The small light from his phone chased away the dark surrounding our feet. He took hold of my hand and we made our slow progress toward the car.

“Have you ever heard of the phrase ‘a picture is worth a thousand words’?” Although he could not see me shake my head no in the dark, he carried on the conversation as if he had. “It is a phrase used to refer to the idea that a complex situation or idea can be conveyed through a simple image. Thus, it is one of my favorite phrases.  I know I might not become a professional photographer in the future but I still hope to evoke some form of feelings through my photographs. If a single picture can produce even the smallest smile on someone’s face, then I am content.”

We have reached the car by now and he walked me over to the passenger’s side. Even though the summer night air is warm, my hand felt emptied and cold when he let go of it to open the door. He held out his cellphone as I climbed inside the car.

“In other words, you like photography because you can share a part of yourself with the people around you through it.” I looked up at him from inside the car.

He turned the cellphone around to face him so that I could see him nod. “That and the fact that photography is the only way I can retain some of my memories.”

“Like?”

“Like tonight. Twenty years from now if I come upon that picture of you staring off into the horizon where the sun was setting, I will remember that I was here in this place taking pictures with you.” He must have expected my surprised reaction because he flashed me a wide smile before he closed the door. Outside the car the small light moved away from his face back to the ground and I was left to wait in the dark car.

[Click to go to Official Stage.]

© N. Hli 2015 All rights reserved.
[Official date of completion: August 2011]

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FWB: Stranger

The sun was still shining but the leaves were no longer budding. Instead, they were shedding, one by one, to the ground. The trees were starting to show bared limbs while at their feet the green grasses has turned to a shade of golden brown. Autumn was almost over and winter was almost here. Citizens had begun wearing layered clothing as the air turned cold and crisp. Young children were forbidden to stay outside for too long in feared of catching colds. Although everyone still carried on with his or her everyday chores, a solemn chatter has replaced the bustling buzz of summer. The air felt heavy with dread as everyone waited for winter, for no one wanted to experience the bitter cold.

Despite the gloomy atmosphere, I found myself falling in love with my surrounding as I surveyed the colorful grounds. Dried leaves crunched underneath my boots as I walked down the paved path. The afternoon breeze was still cold as it cut through my sweater to my skin, but it was still bearable under the sun’s rays. Spotting an empty table overlooking the lake, I went over to it and sat down. All around me the park remained silent despite it being a Saturday afternoon. The silence along with the sparkling lake in front of me felt comforting. I was about to lay my head down on the table and enjoy the peacefulness when a click followed by the sound of approaching footsteps stopped me. I turned around to find myself staring up into the face of a stranger.

“May I join you?” There was a twinkle of interest in his eyes as he peered down at me. The smile on his face made my heart skipped a beat and I noticed for the first time that he had a dimple on the right side of his cheeks. He did not look dangerous or threatening at all.

“Sure,” I answered before my mind fully registered what just happened.

He took the seat opposite mine. “Today is a nice day isn’t it?” he asked, his smile never leaving his face for a second. I nodded in agreement as I watched him. After he had settled down, he took off his camera from around his neck and gently set it down on the table between us. Once his hands were free, he stuck one of it out expectantly. “I am Kai Li. My family and I just moved in to town last weekend.”

I cautiously took his hand and shook it. Immediately, I noticed how warm and smooth his hand was compared to my cold and chapped one. Embarrassed, I quickly let go and hid both my hands underneath the table. “Welcome to Hualian. I am Evol Chen.”

“Evol?” he asked, testing the sound of my name on his lips. “Isn’t that love spelled backward?”

I nodded. “Don’t ask me why my parents chose that name. It is a long and boring story.”

Kai laughed and I could not help it but smiled at the sound of his melodic laughter. It was a nice and soul lifting sound to hear after the morning silence. “I will not ask then, but honestly speaking it is a nice name. It has a nice ring to it besides the meaning behind it.”

“Thank you.” A blush crept onto my face and I mentally kicked myself for such reaction. It was not my first time hearing someone complimented my name so I had no right to act like such a fool. However, it was the first time that such a handsome guy had complimented my name. That fact alone should be an exemption, correct? “So… how do you like Huilian so far?”

“It is beautiful,” he answered. “The air here is fresh and clean unlike the city air. The folks here are really nice too. I have yet to see any violence or gruesome bloodshed.” He laughed when I winced at his chosen words. “I am just joking; I do not want to jinx my luck yet. But Huilian really is beautiful. The scenery here is a lot nicer than I thought it would be when I looked it up on the Internet.”

I motioned toward his camera on the table. “Are you a photographer then? You seemed to have an eye for your surroundings.”

Kai picked up his camera and showed it to me. There was pride in his eyes as he described his passion for photography to me. “I am not a professional photographer, but I do enjoy taking pictures. In fact, this is the whole reason why I am out walking around town today.” He waved his camera in the air. “I wanted to take some pictures around town and get myself familiarized with this place so that I will not get lost the next time I’m out.”

“Then… do you want me to show you around?” I offered without thinking. Once the question was out, I bit back my lip nervously. I was not used to showing strangers around town. “I mean, if you

“Of course I want to!” Kai put the camera strap around his neck again and suddenly stood up. “I was hoping you would agree when I approached you.” At my widened eyes, he smiled apologetically back. “You were the only one that did not seem to be occupied with something or someone here.”

I allowed him to drag me off the bench and onto my feet. “Thank you for telling me how much of a loner I am,” I said sarcastically, trying to hide the smile that was itching to break free.

He let go of my arm and did a quick bow. “You are welcome Ma ’dam.” He laughed as he easily dodged my swing before skipping away. “Come on Ma’ dam; we shall hurry before the sun sets!”

“Use that word one more time on me and I will take back what I said!”

[Click to go to Friendship Stage.]

© N. Hli 2015 All rights reserved.
[Official date of completion: August 2011]

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Friends without Benefits

Best part in a relationship is the friendship.

Stranger ll Friendship ll Official ll Author's Note
When a man and a woman meet, they undergo three stages that will ultimately change their life whether it is good or bad. The first stage is the stranger stage when both parties are still learning about one another. If the first stage does not result in any success, then there shall not be a second or third stage. However, if it ends up being a success and both parties becomes acquainted with one another then they will enter the friendship stage. This is the stage where either party will determine for themselves if they want to proceed to the next stage or stay where they are. The last stage, the hardest stage to overcome, is the official stage. This is the final stage between a man and a woman. If both parties manage to succeed in this stage then they have a higher possibility of having a happily ever after together. But if either party failed, then they have to face the painful consequences that all living beings wish to avoid.

I wish I could have been smart back then and saw life the way I see it now. If I had seen life as simple as one, two, three then I would have save myself a lot of painful memories. If I had not been so inconsiderate and immature, I probably could have a worthy friendship too. If I had known that the third stage would be this harsh especially in reality then maybe, just maybe, I could have spared the both of us.



© N. Hli 2014 All rights reserved.
[Official completion date: August 29, 2011
2011 Priceless Theories Writing Contest Winner]

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A Girl's Timeline

At six, girls my age stopped bidding their mother goodnight.
My mom would tuck me in bed before telling me a bedtime story.

At seven, girls in my class stopped playing tag with the boys at recess.
Because I was so slow, I was always “it’.

At eight, girls stopped being friends with everyone and anyone.
I was an outsider and only had one best friend.

At nine, they stopped asking for sweets.
My sweet tooth kept me craving for treats.

At ten, girls started having secrets.
I stared at the empty pages of my diary for hours every day.

At eleven, girls started whispering.
There wasn’t anything I wanted to share.

At twelve, they started checking out guys.
Jacob from Twilight was the only one on my mind.

At thirteen, girls started dating.
Math and I had numbers of dates a month.

At fourteen, girls became interested in sex.
I had to go home with a sick stomachache.

At fifteen, they started being MEAN GIRLS.
Dumb me still lent them my homework.

At sixteen, some girls started having sex.
Unfortunately, I was too scared to try it.

At seventeen, some girls had have abortions.
Kill me a hundred times over, but I never want to know.

At eighteen, some were married.
I hadn’t even had my first boyfriend.

Ten years have passed and I still haven’t changed- much anyway. My mom no longer tucks me in at night and I don’t have time to play tag anymore, but I still love sweets and am still without a boyfriend. I stop fantasizing about Jacob and his ripped abs as I find myself mesmerize by another kind of specie. My stomach no longer feels like it is about to explode as if a volcano is getting ready to erupt within me at the mention of sex. On the other hand, ten years have changed a lot of things. Things I was oblivious to before became clear. And sometimes, things are too clear.

Yeap. Ten years can change a lot of things between now and then.


© N. Hli 2014 All rights reserved.
[Official date of completion: March 2012]

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Seeking Serenity

She came to me in a dream.

At least, it felt like a dream. When I woke up, or so I thought I did, she was nowhere to be found. Yet, I still felt the gentleness of her touch on my arm. The spot where she kissed my cheek was still tingling too as if she was still there. Her scent surrounded and wrapped around me like a veil, suffocating me in a sea of bliss as I inhaled her essence. It felt like I was in heaven on earth.

Her name was Serenity.

I don’t know how I knew her name. I could’ve sworn, or I would’ve sworn, that she whispered it to me before she vanished, but I wasn’t sure. My head felt clouded but light, so it seemed like she had whispered for my ears alone. Yet, I felt as if she had spoken it to me through my mind. It’s like her voice was still there inside my head. It rang like a note of soft music.

“Chase,” she called.

She knew me. She knew my name. Our eyes met the moment my name escaped her lips. I couldn’t tear my eyes away. She was so captivating. If angels were real, then she could’ve been one. That was how beautiful she was. She emitted vibes that screamed pure mystery, which drew me in, unconsciously. She got me hooked from the very start.

“I need you.”

Who was I to refused such a request from a goddess? Even the craziest man alive would’ve been sane enough to accept her call for help. After all, every man sought an adventure at least once in his lifetime- an adventure that was out of the ordinary; something thrilling. This was my chance to play Superhero at last.

“Come find me.”

I told you; she got me hooked from the very start. As soon as those words left her lips after planting a soft but promising kiss on my cheek, there was no way I could’ve called it another dream. It was a calling I could’ve ignored because she called me. So when she told me to go find her, I did exactly just that.

“Please hurry… before it’s too late.”


© N. Hli 2014 All rights reserved.
[Official date of completion: March 2012]

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LMD: Prologue

Prologue

Do you dream after you fall asleep? Do you repeatedly see yourself in a specific place and time with a certain person? Do you imagine the different endings of those dreams if they were real? Do you ever replay a scene over and over until you know exactly what is going to happen next? Tell me, do you?

I do.

I dream of a far away home by the seaside. It is dusk and I am walking on a deserted beach. The cold waves tumble over one another to me, tease my feet, and then recede as rapidly as they come. The salty night breeze from the sea caress my cheeks while whispering sweet promises in my ears. My hair and dress dance wildly but gently around me to a beat only they can feel. My mind is blank but my heart is troubled. I am aware that I am dreaming and should wake up, but I do not. In fact, I do not want to wake up, and that is what troubled my heart.

From the sea I hear a cry. It sound like an infant’s cry, but after straining my ears against the whistling wind and crashing waves, I can hear a voice. It is deep and sultry, enough to make my knees weak. Then, my heart swell with unknown emotions that make me want to cry out as well.

Here, my heart seem to be saying. I’m here.

The voice respond by getting closer and louder until it has wrap itself around me. But, the words do not get any clearer. They are a jumble of incoherent words that sound like chants in my ears; all undecipherable except for one word.

Arissa. My name. 

Koj yog leej twg? Who are you? 

My mind scramble for an answer, a name, or a face. And, like the past few dreams, it is there but just beyond my reach. I see his silhouette as he emerge from the sea but not his features. Everything remain a blur.

Kuv nyob qhov twg? Where am I?

He beckon me but I cannot move until his third beckon. Then, as if afraid he will abandon me, I quickly start for him and the sea. Before I could reach him, he submerge back under the rolling waves and disappear. Gone with him are his voice and all that existed just moments ago. Everything is calm and silent except for my racing heart. They continue to beat and crash in rhythm as I sink to my knees. The water quickly rise to my chest as a tear escape down my cheek and become one with the sea. An incoming wave wash over me and I am finally under.

© N. Hli 2014 All rights reserved.

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Let Me Dream

Prologue ll 01 ll 02

© N. Hli 2014 All rights reserved.
[Official completion date: On-going]

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Tranquility

Many people had questioned why I am a photographer and not a model. Many had also voiced their opinions and suggested that I be in front of the lens instead of hiding behind it. Every time though, I would thank them for the comments and then politely decline whatever they have to offer. Photography to me is more than a talent; it is a passion no words can describe nor any amount of money can buy. To some people, understanding the beauty of photography can be as confusing as understanding the structures of the universe. Therefore, I never blame anyone when he or she asked me, “Why photography?”

Sometimes, I wonder myself why I chose photography out of all the different number of things I could have chosen to thrive in. Even if I could turn back the hours to the days of my college years, I would have still chosen the same thing. I will be honest and admit that being a photographer is not always easy. I live paycheck-to-paycheck and some days, I bring home nothing besides my camera and bag of films. My income is never enough to buy myself a nice car or branded name clothing, but I do not mind because I have a working bicycle and decent clothing to get me through. There is nothing more exhilarating than biking down the street with the wind in your hair and the sun on your face on a Sunday afternoon while the church bell sings in your ears.

That is life.

It is the desire to experience life that compels me to seek photography as my companion. It is the moments when nature catches me off guard and I am left trying to find my breath that I am so determine to capture it forever. It is the way photography speaks to me as it calls my name that I am so bewitched.

Aside from all those beauty and ease of technological use that I appreciate as a photographer, there is another reason why I love photography. It is the fact that I am able to capture and maintain a part of my memories that once lost, I will never be able to get back. Many people do not understand when they look at pictures that every picture holds a story even if the faces in the pictures are the same as well as the poses and place. Many do not realize that a lot of things can occur within seconds, and seconds is all it takes to capture a memory. A memory that may still be alive in a person’s mind months and years from now.

That girl. The girl with the long, silky raven hair with a dimple on the side of her right cheek is beautiful. She is one of the memories that I speak of. She entered and left my life within the long seconds that it took me to snap that picture. When I looked up from my screen, she had already disappeared as if she had never existed and everything was just a figment of my imagination. But, I know I did not imagine her smiling face as she continues to smile at me from my camera screen even to this day.

It was a sunny and warm summer day. I was in the park taking pictures for one of my summer course- photography. I was snapping pictures of little kids playing on the slides, dogs chasing after Frisbees, and fluttering butterflies settling on a patch of white lilies when she came into view. She was leaning over to smell one of the lilies, so she did not see me hidden behind the other lilies. As she closed her eyes and took in a whiff of the lily’s scent, the sun hit her just right and her face glowed. She was absolutely breathtaking.

By the time I had caught my breath and slowed down my racing heart, she was gone. I looked in all directions and searched the entire park, but I could not find her. Like I said, she disappeared as if she was never there. Even after the summer course, I made sure to visit the park frequently in case she turned up one day, but the day never came when I would see her again. Ten years has passed and she is still nothing but another subject of my photography, another fragment of my memories. But, it is a memory that I do not wish to forget.

Her picture sits in my photo gallery. I titled her Tranquility.


© N. Hli 2014 All rights reserved.
[Official date of completion: March 2012]

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I Have Feelings Too

My life isn’t necessarily boring. I am surrounded in a sea of entertainment as streams of stories meet my ears daily. I have companions left and right, front and back. Except for rainy days and new moons, I see the sun every day while I bask in moonlight every night. People would probably describe my life as simple yet beautiful. People would probably envy my life too, if they can hear my story. I mean, if I could even talk to begin with.

But no, I can’t talk. Therefore, people can’t hear my story. As a result, no one understands these feelings that I currently have. If I can tell people that I am lonely because my life is lonely, they would probably look at me with confuse faces. They would probably ask me why when I already have all the entertainment a person needed to lighten up his or her world and all the companions he or she wished for in his or her life.

Girls come and sit down by the garden almost every day. Most would just sit there and cry while some would sit and pick at our petals. They would pull us up by the stem and then starting with “he loves me,” begins to tear away at our petals. Once they get to the end, they would start all over again because they were not satisfied with the “he loves me not”. Some would cry even louder when they ended up with “he loves me,” screaming at the top of their lungs, “If he loves me then he wouldn’t have cheated on me!”. Girls…. They never know when to shut up.

Boys come and occupy the garden now and then too. Some would just sit there for hours at a time staring into space, as they get lost in their thoughts. Others would sit there and mumble to themselves like madmen, yet not as mad as some girls can get. I find their stories, their conversations, and even their tantrums very interesting. I always enjoy finding myself lost in their words as I imagine myself living in their world experiencing what they’re experiencing. Sometimes, I wonder what it feels like to feel pain, to be at bliss, to know what hatred is, and to experience the beauty of love. Sometimes, I wonder if I were to have a family, how would my brother and sisters look like. Would we look like our mom? Or would we carry our father’s traits? I wonder what it is like to attend school, to work, to eat, and to simply walk on something people called feet. With a stem like mine, I can’t get anywhere at all.

For the past couple of days, my companions have been leaving me. Someone keeps coming to the garden and instead of sitting down to talk to us, has been picking us off the ground before carrying us away from home. Unfortunately, I have not been one of the ones that have been picked. That person keeps on gushing over my companions, complimenting them on how pretty they look. At the moment, I am the only one of my kind left. The others had all left with that person. I guess this means I’m not pretty enough. Now I am lonely. My life is lonely.

I don’t have any more companions to occupy me as I soak up the sun during the day and bathe in moonlight during the night. Now that I am the only flower still left in what used to be the garden, I am an eyesore to the society. Girls stop coming to share their stories and guys stop coming to just think. It is as if I am not even alive anymore despite my vibrant colors that I still force myself to emit day after day… after day.

Finally, I decide to give up trying. No one cares about me. Why am I still trying so hard to make myself shine when people apparently take my existence for granted? Why am I still trying when the person that had taken away all of my companions is not even going to come back and pay me a compliment? Even if it was just a ‘thank you for working so hard to make the society pretty,’ it would have been more than enough for me. But… no one came. And so, I begin to wilt. The sun is not shining today. The moon was not out last night either. It is raining- no, pouring today. The weather fits my mood perfectly. If I am going to die, I might as well die on the day when no one is out to see me as I drown myself in this misery. But then… just as I am about to let all of my colors fade and let loose the last petal, the sound of a little girl’s voice meets my ears. Her words stop me.

“Mommy, look at that flower. It is so pretty!”

Next thing I know, she is already by my side, her short fingers running down the length of my stem. I cannot move. “It is cold and lonely…. Can we take it home with us Mommy? Please?”

I hold my breath. I am afraid of the answer; therefore, I am afraid to even begin to hope. If no one picked me earlier when I was still lively and had my colors about me, then what are the chances that someone would pick me now when I am at my worst and looking so dead?

“Are you sure you want to take her home honey? She doesn’t look too well...”

With a confident “Yeap!”, she picks me up and carries me home. And I can almost swear that at that moment, the rain disappears as the sun shines down its first ray of light. My death wish vanishes as hope floods my system with life- again.


© N. Hli 2014 All rights reserved.
[Official date of completion: March 2012]

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An Angel's Heartbeat

Dawn is fast approaching.

A lonely soul stands on the edge of a rocky cliff. Above her whistles the wind while below her the currents churn. Surrounding her is the cry of nature as it fights for dominance before the first ray of sunlight hits. Inside of her exist another battle far more brutal and painful, yet its cry is only audible to her ears.

A gust of wind picks up a strand of silky black hair and whips it across her face as the ends of her dress dances wildly around her knees. Her face, stain with dried tears, is freezing cold to the touch, but she is already too numb with pain to notice. Her chipped and bloody fingers clutch her chest while her lifeless orbs survey the horizon beyond her reach. The sky is beginning to lighten from pitch black to dark indigo. It will not be long now before the first ray breaks and color the sky a radiant pink.

To every other human being, the first ray over a horizon signifies the start of a new day, a new beginning. To her, a new day signifies the beginning of another forlorn day. For the past three months, misery has been her companion. There is little doubt in her mind that day, or every day after, will be any different. An observing person cannot judge her for her mindset. It is difficult to accept a change when one has grown accustomed to something. It is even harder when that change involves another being.

Far off in the distance, a flash of lightening lights up the sky for a split second before disappearing into a thunderous roar that resonate deep into her heart. She immediately clamps down on her bottom lip and tries not to recoil from the sudden outburst from nature. Her racing heart threatens to break free from within her chest and into the world before her. It aches to find its other half and feel the rhythmic beating next to it once again. She too yearns to feel the beating of his heart next to hers. It has been three months too long for her heart and soul. Yet, deep in the back of her mind somewhere, she knows finding that beating heart again is impossible.

“How can I when you no longer beat?”

Yet… inside of her another heart beats in times with hers. She gingerly moves her hands down to the small budge of her stomach and rests it there. Once again, a stream of grief washes over her, and for the hundredth times in the past months, she asks God why her. Another flash of lightening lights up the sky overhead this time closer to her than before. Another round of thunder resonates through her as it echoes wide and far over the cliff. This time she allows herself to fall back a few steps and away from the cliff’s edge. For once, she begins to fear the hands of death.

She takes several more steps backward toward safer ground. Her hands immediately wrap themselves around her stomach. The first few drops of rain land on her pale face. Although cold, it is refreshing to her skin as it awakens in her a new spirit. The grief before gradually disappears and the empty hole in her heart begins to fill. A sign of life returns to her eyes as a smile slowly makes its way onto her face. She let loose the scream she has been holding; except this one is filled with renewed excitement rather than fear or sadness.

The lonely soul that has stood before the cliff minutes before is no longer depressed. She finally understands why God has chosen her. He has blessed her with an angel.

Dawn has arrives, and inside of her, an angel’s heart still beats with hers.


© N. Hli 2014 All rights reserved. 
[Official date of completion: December 2011]

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Fallen Angel

Prologue
It was dark and the sky was crying.

I can still remember the night like an unwavering nightmare. Etched into my head and engraved into my heart, the memory is impossible to rid of. Ignoring the images is useless, for they come and go as they want. Even after they are gone, their unpleasant presence lingers like a hangover.

Misery. Regret. Pain.

I feel them all and much more, but I can never tell anyone. I can only shake my head and turn away every time anyone asked if I was all right. I am not. How can I be when my heart is clenched tight in the hands of Guilt? When I see my friends laugh, I feel hatred. When I feel love, I want to cry. And, when I a touch a girl, I want to die.

Why?

Having to live with the realization that I could have helped a damsel in distress but did not is absolute torture. Who would have thought that me, Lee Seungri, a man of standards and respects, would coward at the sight of a girl’s tears? It is ridiculous. If words get out, I will become a laughing stock. I will be shamed to the depth of the sea and back. But, I deserve it, right? I deserve to be shamed, to be ridiculed, and to be cursed at, for I failed to perform my duty as a man of standards and respects.

A person may look at me and think, “He is so pretty and innocent. There is no way he would let something like that happen.” If only they can see past this mask. If only they can see the other face- the real face of Lee Seungri- who is not another member of Korea’s top boy band Big Bang. If they can, then they will see that I am not innocent and brave.

I have committed the gravest of crimes.

I have told my story to a few strangers. Some would shake their head and turn away as if I was eccentric. Others would simply pat my shoulder as if I was the most pitiful being alive. I have told my story to a few strangers but the not real one. Not the real story of how I came to be me, for the real story is too painstakingly sorrowful. If I, Lee Seungri, cannot even handle the real story, then can you handle it?

The truth is what I want to know.  


The Real Story
“Ri, the concert is starting in ten minute. Are you ready yet?” Daesung stuck his head through the opened door and peered into the room. His eyes surveyed the cubicle that I shared with Ji Yong and chuckled. “I think I just answered my own question.”

I followed his eyes around the cluttered room covered with overthrown clothes, music sheets, and instruments and groaned. The room was a mess. I did not realized how cluttered it had become until then, but it would have to wait. I had a show I needed to get to. Beside, I did not want to clean the room myself when 75% of the mess was created by my dear roommate.

“I’ll be there in five,” I said as I scooped up a pile of Ji Yong’s dirty shirts and threw them onto his bed to make way for my feet. Crossing the room in five strides, I reached the closet and quickly pulled on a white dress shirt. Daesung went back out as I threw a gray blazer over the shirt.

Overhead the sitcom came on. Loud and clear, the captain’s voice could be heard as he announced the starting of the concert in exactly eight minute. I had just finished running a comb through my hair and was heading out the door when my cell rang. It was sitting on the other side of the room on the bedside desk. I cursed under my breath as I wade my way once more through the mess. I swiped it off the desk and clicked it on as I made my way out the door. “Hello.”

‘Where are you? Boss is about to go bald here!’

I sighed. “I’m on my way. You guys can go ahead and get in place first.”

Before Ji Yong could protest, I slid the phone shut. I made my way through the deserted VIP hallway toward the elevator. The brightly lit hallway felt warm and welcoming as I strolled past doors embed with golden room numbers. Pictures of very blue sea lined themselves neatly against both sides of the wall along with various pictures of sea creatures and ships. At the end of the hallway, I took the elevator up to deck where the show of the night was being held.

Outside I was met with a whiff of salty night air that felt cool and refreshing against my exposed skin. The deck was packed with fans and crewmembers. Everyone was shouting and screaming despite the dark night. No stars or moon occupied the night except for dark rolling clouds that no one paid any heeds to. I, too, only gave the sky a glance before making my way through the crowd for the stage.

The deck has been cleared away with all the tables and chairs to be replaced with a small stage. The little night-lights strung around the stage gave off a soft and warm glow. Someone had also strung some lights around the ship rails to make the night a little lighter. As soon as I emerged from among the crowd, the music began to play and the noise on deck erupted to a thunderous roar.

I grinned as I hopped onto the stage and was met with a brotherly hung from Seung Hyun. “You made it just in time,” he said.

Around the group, we all gave one another high fives before getting into position. At the corner of the stage, I saw our manager motioned for the show to start. Within seconds, we were in motion. Ji Yong started us off with “Always.” All too soon, we got to other songs and our dance began.

Everything was great. Our singing and dancing were performed in perfect timing and impeccable harmony. Therefore, I was not prepared for the sudden interruption that shocked us all.

We were in the midst of “We Belong Together” with Ji Yong leading again when something crashed loudly to my right. After the crash, our music playing and the whole system went silent. However, silence reined in the air for only a split second before screams and shouts erupted from the crowd. Everyone dispersed in different directions away from the stage; trying to get as far away from the dangerous scene as possible.

If I had known, I would have took of running too. I would have taken off after Tae Yang and the others when they motioned for me to follow. Instead, I blended myself into the frenzied crowd and followed the security guards on deck toward the commotion. Pulling my blazer together around my slim body, I made sure to keep my head low to avoid being recognized. I did not want to be stopped before I found out what had caused the raucous. It did not only interrupt our show, but it had scared our audience crazy as well.

“Eun-mi, what are you doing? Get back over here!” The voice belonged to a guy. Chorus of other voices were also shouting, mimicking what he had just said. This, too, sugared my curiosity even more.

“Eun-mi!”

Tiptoeing behind a group of curious young girls brave enough to seek out the commotion like I did, I peered over their shoulders to find a couple standing by the ship rail. The guy who shouted appeared to be my age, maybe older by a year or two. The girl though was a few years younger than us. She was standing on the other side of the safety rail, and she has been crying. Her eyeliner was running and her make up in disarray. The night-light that made the night seemed so warm earlier now set off a terrifying glow upon her tear streaked face. Her pained face sent waves of cold, indescribable feelings straight through my soul.

“Eun-mi, please. Come back. It’s very dangerous right there.”

She was not listening. I did not know if she heard and ignored him or if she really did not hear his pleas. The ocean wind had picked up speed and was making her hair danced wildly around her shoulders. The end of her yellow dress that flared our around her knees now flapped aimlessly against her bare legs. There were no shoes on her small feet.

“Eun-mi!”

Just then, a loud thunderous roar came overhead and the sky started to pour. The group of girls and several other viewers scattered back downstairs. A storm was upon us making it dangerous to stay on deck. I could feel the ship rocked unsteadily against the rising waves. While the onlookers ran downstairs for shelter and safety, the security guards and I took a step forward closer to the scene. The girl, having sensed our attempts, whipped her head around to glare at us. The intensity of dark emotionless eyes froze us in our tracks. Looking into her eyes, filled with hatred and hurt, was like falling into an abyss.

“Eun-mi….” the guy continued to called. “Please, I’m begging you. Don’t do this.”

Her eyes lingered on his guilty face for a moment before a smile crept its way onto her face. “…Jun….”

Her voice was very soft and melodic. When she spoke the guy’s name, he began to sob uncontrollably. “Please don’t do this, Eun-mi. Don’t do it. Please!”

I watched as she slowly shook her head at him. Then, her eyes drifted away from him to a point far beyond my back. While she stared off into the distance, I stared at her. Her beauty and her pain captivated me. I was as lost in the moment as she was. Another thunderclap overhead brought us back to our situation.

It was then that our eyes met. She was turning back to the sea when her eyes landed on mine. It was only for a split second or so, but during those precious seconds, I saw the color of her eyes changed. From pitched black to soft brown, it was almost as if she was calling out to me. She was calling for something, or someone, to stop her. To take her back to reality for just a little while. I could have done it. I could have helped her. All I had to do was extend my arm and I would have been able to reach her. All I had to do was show her my opened palm and I would have saved her soul.

But, I did not.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered her last words.

I was too much of a coward. I held back. Stricken with fear and doubt of my ability to save a person, I held back. I could not think at that moment. People said that when in grave danger, a person’s reflex is his or her greatest savior. I wonder then, where was my reflex? Why did it not kick in? Why did I stand there like a statue when I saw her eyes pooled over once more with darkness, and then down into the raging sea she plunged? Why did I not jump in after her falling body and tried to catch her? Even if I could not, at least I could have tried to find her.

Yet, I did not. I stood there and watched her jump.

Shouts erupted in my ears as everyone on deck scrambled after her falling body, trying to catch a part of her before she disappeared underneath the deadly water. No one came close to touching her. Not even the flare of her dress as she disappeared over the rail.

In my head, I saw her. Her face was stained with mixed tears and raindrops. The roar of the thunder drowned out any sobs that may have escaped from her lips. The fall made her hair trailed behind her like tendrils while her drenched dress wrapped tightly around her like a cocoon. She was falling into the raging sea below, but she was smiling. It was not a smile of evil or hatred but a pure smile of contentment. Almost as if she was happy that it was ending- the storm, her love, and most of all, her life. They were all coming to an end and she was willing to accept it whatever the consequences would be.

In my head, she was falling.

No- she was no longer falling. She had already. When she went under, the thunder ceased and the storm gradually moved on its own course. The rain began to lighten and through my ringing ears, I heard my name being shouted. It sounded so close, yet so far as if I was waking from a dream. But, it was reality.

“Ri! There you are!” Tae Yang seized my arm and whirled me around to face him. His face was wet and his clothes were drenched to the skin. He must have been the only one out looking for me after it started to pour. “Hey… are you all right?”

I could not answer him. I could only shook my head in response and turned back toward the sea where it began to calm. Overboard a great search was in motion. People were searching- searching for the suicidal girl. They would not find her. Even if the whole nation were out at sea, covering every inch as they search, no one would be able to find her.

Why?

She was a fallen angle.

She was one that captivated but could not be love. She was an angel that glowed but not with warmth. She was a girl who cried but could not be heard. She was my fallen angel, for I could not save her when I could have.

What is the biggest crime of my life?

I let an angel fall when I could have caught her. And, that is my life’s biggest regret and crime.


© N. Hli 2014 All rights reserved.
[Official date of completion: December 2008]

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