Fallen Angel

Prologue
It was dark and the sky was crying.

I can still remember the night like an unwavering nightmare. Etched into my head and engraved into my heart, the memory is impossible to rid of. Ignoring the images is useless, for they come and go as they want. Even after they are gone, their unpleasant presence lingers like a hangover.

Misery. Regret. Pain.

I feel them all and much more, but I can never tell anyone. I can only shake my head and turn away every time anyone asked if I was all right. I am not. How can I be when my heart is clenched tight in the hands of Guilt? When I see my friends laugh, I feel hatred. When I feel love, I want to cry. And, when I a touch a girl, I want to die.

Why?

Having to live with the realization that I could have helped a damsel in distress but did not is absolute torture. Who would have thought that me, Lee Seungri, a man of standards and respects, would coward at the sight of a girl’s tears? It is ridiculous. If words get out, I will become a laughing stock. I will be shamed to the depth of the sea and back. But, I deserve it, right? I deserve to be shamed, to be ridiculed, and to be cursed at, for I failed to perform my duty as a man of standards and respects.

A person may look at me and think, “He is so pretty and innocent. There is no way he would let something like that happen.” If only they can see past this mask. If only they can see the other face- the real face of Lee Seungri- who is not another member of Korea’s top boy band Big Bang. If they can, then they will see that I am not innocent and brave.

I have committed the gravest of crimes.

I have told my story to a few strangers. Some would shake their head and turn away as if I was eccentric. Others would simply pat my shoulder as if I was the most pitiful being alive. I have told my story to a few strangers but the not real one. Not the real story of how I came to be me, for the real story is too painstakingly sorrowful. If I, Lee Seungri, cannot even handle the real story, then can you handle it?

The truth is what I want to know.  


The Real Story
“Ri, the concert is starting in ten minute. Are you ready yet?” Daesung stuck his head through the opened door and peered into the room. His eyes surveyed the cubicle that I shared with Ji Yong and chuckled. “I think I just answered my own question.”

I followed his eyes around the cluttered room covered with overthrown clothes, music sheets, and instruments and groaned. The room was a mess. I did not realized how cluttered it had become until then, but it would have to wait. I had a show I needed to get to. Beside, I did not want to clean the room myself when 75% of the mess was created by my dear roommate.

“I’ll be there in five,” I said as I scooped up a pile of Ji Yong’s dirty shirts and threw them onto his bed to make way for my feet. Crossing the room in five strides, I reached the closet and quickly pulled on a white dress shirt. Daesung went back out as I threw a gray blazer over the shirt.

Overhead the sitcom came on. Loud and clear, the captain’s voice could be heard as he announced the starting of the concert in exactly eight minute. I had just finished running a comb through my hair and was heading out the door when my cell rang. It was sitting on the other side of the room on the bedside desk. I cursed under my breath as I wade my way once more through the mess. I swiped it off the desk and clicked it on as I made my way out the door. “Hello.”

‘Where are you? Boss is about to go bald here!’

I sighed. “I’m on my way. You guys can go ahead and get in place first.”

Before Ji Yong could protest, I slid the phone shut. I made my way through the deserted VIP hallway toward the elevator. The brightly lit hallway felt warm and welcoming as I strolled past doors embed with golden room numbers. Pictures of very blue sea lined themselves neatly against both sides of the wall along with various pictures of sea creatures and ships. At the end of the hallway, I took the elevator up to deck where the show of the night was being held.

Outside I was met with a whiff of salty night air that felt cool and refreshing against my exposed skin. The deck was packed with fans and crewmembers. Everyone was shouting and screaming despite the dark night. No stars or moon occupied the night except for dark rolling clouds that no one paid any heeds to. I, too, only gave the sky a glance before making my way through the crowd for the stage.

The deck has been cleared away with all the tables and chairs to be replaced with a small stage. The little night-lights strung around the stage gave off a soft and warm glow. Someone had also strung some lights around the ship rails to make the night a little lighter. As soon as I emerged from among the crowd, the music began to play and the noise on deck erupted to a thunderous roar.

I grinned as I hopped onto the stage and was met with a brotherly hung from Seung Hyun. “You made it just in time,” he said.

Around the group, we all gave one another high fives before getting into position. At the corner of the stage, I saw our manager motioned for the show to start. Within seconds, we were in motion. Ji Yong started us off with “Always.” All too soon, we got to other songs and our dance began.

Everything was great. Our singing and dancing were performed in perfect timing and impeccable harmony. Therefore, I was not prepared for the sudden interruption that shocked us all.

We were in the midst of “We Belong Together” with Ji Yong leading again when something crashed loudly to my right. After the crash, our music playing and the whole system went silent. However, silence reined in the air for only a split second before screams and shouts erupted from the crowd. Everyone dispersed in different directions away from the stage; trying to get as far away from the dangerous scene as possible.

If I had known, I would have took of running too. I would have taken off after Tae Yang and the others when they motioned for me to follow. Instead, I blended myself into the frenzied crowd and followed the security guards on deck toward the commotion. Pulling my blazer together around my slim body, I made sure to keep my head low to avoid being recognized. I did not want to be stopped before I found out what had caused the raucous. It did not only interrupt our show, but it had scared our audience crazy as well.

“Eun-mi, what are you doing? Get back over here!” The voice belonged to a guy. Chorus of other voices were also shouting, mimicking what he had just said. This, too, sugared my curiosity even more.

“Eun-mi!”

Tiptoeing behind a group of curious young girls brave enough to seek out the commotion like I did, I peered over their shoulders to find a couple standing by the ship rail. The guy who shouted appeared to be my age, maybe older by a year or two. The girl though was a few years younger than us. She was standing on the other side of the safety rail, and she has been crying. Her eyeliner was running and her make up in disarray. The night-light that made the night seemed so warm earlier now set off a terrifying glow upon her tear streaked face. Her pained face sent waves of cold, indescribable feelings straight through my soul.

“Eun-mi, please. Come back. It’s very dangerous right there.”

She was not listening. I did not know if she heard and ignored him or if she really did not hear his pleas. The ocean wind had picked up speed and was making her hair danced wildly around her shoulders. The end of her yellow dress that flared our around her knees now flapped aimlessly against her bare legs. There were no shoes on her small feet.

“Eun-mi!”

Just then, a loud thunderous roar came overhead and the sky started to pour. The group of girls and several other viewers scattered back downstairs. A storm was upon us making it dangerous to stay on deck. I could feel the ship rocked unsteadily against the rising waves. While the onlookers ran downstairs for shelter and safety, the security guards and I took a step forward closer to the scene. The girl, having sensed our attempts, whipped her head around to glare at us. The intensity of dark emotionless eyes froze us in our tracks. Looking into her eyes, filled with hatred and hurt, was like falling into an abyss.

“Eun-mi….” the guy continued to called. “Please, I’m begging you. Don’t do this.”

Her eyes lingered on his guilty face for a moment before a smile crept its way onto her face. “…Jun….”

Her voice was very soft and melodic. When she spoke the guy’s name, he began to sob uncontrollably. “Please don’t do this, Eun-mi. Don’t do it. Please!”

I watched as she slowly shook her head at him. Then, her eyes drifted away from him to a point far beyond my back. While she stared off into the distance, I stared at her. Her beauty and her pain captivated me. I was as lost in the moment as she was. Another thunderclap overhead brought us back to our situation.

It was then that our eyes met. She was turning back to the sea when her eyes landed on mine. It was only for a split second or so, but during those precious seconds, I saw the color of her eyes changed. From pitched black to soft brown, it was almost as if she was calling out to me. She was calling for something, or someone, to stop her. To take her back to reality for just a little while. I could have done it. I could have helped her. All I had to do was extend my arm and I would have been able to reach her. All I had to do was show her my opened palm and I would have saved her soul.

But, I did not.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered her last words.

I was too much of a coward. I held back. Stricken with fear and doubt of my ability to save a person, I held back. I could not think at that moment. People said that when in grave danger, a person’s reflex is his or her greatest savior. I wonder then, where was my reflex? Why did it not kick in? Why did I stand there like a statue when I saw her eyes pooled over once more with darkness, and then down into the raging sea she plunged? Why did I not jump in after her falling body and tried to catch her? Even if I could not, at least I could have tried to find her.

Yet, I did not. I stood there and watched her jump.

Shouts erupted in my ears as everyone on deck scrambled after her falling body, trying to catch a part of her before she disappeared underneath the deadly water. No one came close to touching her. Not even the flare of her dress as she disappeared over the rail.

In my head, I saw her. Her face was stained with mixed tears and raindrops. The roar of the thunder drowned out any sobs that may have escaped from her lips. The fall made her hair trailed behind her like tendrils while her drenched dress wrapped tightly around her like a cocoon. She was falling into the raging sea below, but she was smiling. It was not a smile of evil or hatred but a pure smile of contentment. Almost as if she was happy that it was ending- the storm, her love, and most of all, her life. They were all coming to an end and she was willing to accept it whatever the consequences would be.

In my head, she was falling.

No- she was no longer falling. She had already. When she went under, the thunder ceased and the storm gradually moved on its own course. The rain began to lighten and through my ringing ears, I heard my name being shouted. It sounded so close, yet so far as if I was waking from a dream. But, it was reality.

“Ri! There you are!” Tae Yang seized my arm and whirled me around to face him. His face was wet and his clothes were drenched to the skin. He must have been the only one out looking for me after it started to pour. “Hey… are you all right?”

I could not answer him. I could only shook my head in response and turned back toward the sea where it began to calm. Overboard a great search was in motion. People were searching- searching for the suicidal girl. They would not find her. Even if the whole nation were out at sea, covering every inch as they search, no one would be able to find her.

Why?

She was a fallen angle.

She was one that captivated but could not be love. She was an angel that glowed but not with warmth. She was a girl who cried but could not be heard. She was my fallen angel, for I could not save her when I could have.

What is the biggest crime of my life?

I let an angel fall when I could have caught her. And, that is my life’s biggest regret and crime.


© N. Hli 2014 All rights reserved.
[Official date of completion: December 2008]