Paper Thoughts #4

 

In loving memory of you, 03.12.21. Another beautiful soul took too soon. 

I never imagined our last goodbye would be our final farewell. If I had, I would've talked with you just a little more and hugged you just a little longer. We were not sisters but that had never stopped you from treating me like one of yours. You bring joy wherever you go. You have so much love to give out and so many teachings to pass on. You demand respect but never cease to show kindness and care to those who need guidance. You inspire those around you and give them the confidence to believe in themselves to achieve the highest level of success they can. You have such big dreams and goals for yourself that no one can ever hold you down. You are truly an amazing woman, daughter, sister, and friend. God has definitely gained an angel with you. Your presence will be greatly missed, but I am forever grateful for the memories you have left us with. May you fly far and high free from these worldly pains.

Read More

Paper Thoughts #3

 

12/27/2020: This year hasn't been easy for all of us. I'm definitely more fortunate than others to be walking away from 2020 with all my needs fulfilled. I still have a job, a home, a car, a family, a friend, and a life. I have lost a few family members and friends along the way, some to the coronavirus and others to unforeseen events, but they will continue to live on in our memories. 

If I just look at the big picture of my life, then I am very blessed. I am very grateful for all that I currently have in my life. However, I am ready for a change- for once in my life. Although I'm always the first person to tell anyone who asks that I hate changes, I am finally ready for a change.

In all my years to date, I have always looked at the big picture of my life. When I painted my life, I sketched the expectations set forth by my family, my culture, my teachers, my friends, and my community. I then filled my canvas with different hues from every person I care deeply about. For the longest time, I believed I had succeeded in creating the most vibrant canvas for myself and nothing can wash away those colors in my life. 

I was wrong. 

When someone I care about decided to add another hue to my canvas, I allowed it without asking myself whether I needed it or not. Over time all those different hues saturated my canvas gray, and all those lines I worked so hard to sketch blurred into distorted shapes. It was only when I couldn't recognize my own canvas anymore did I realize I had been looking at my life from the wrong perspective the entire time. I was so busy trying to complete the big picture that I forgot to create the pieces. The pieces of myself.

This year hasn't been easy for me mentally and emotionally. In January the world I thought I knew tilted and I found myself scrambling to hold on. I tried so hard to understand and to forgive. I forced my emotions down because of the many people I care about. On the night of January 27, I was going to end it all for myself. All those blessings I had were suddenly chains I could not break away from. All the colors vanished from my world and I could only see darkness. I uploaded a post on instagram and archived it so there would be no questions about the intentions of my action. I left my home and drove around in the dark while I cried. I mourned for myself that night.

I was mentally lost. I was emotionally hurt. I was broken-hearted and devastated at the circumstances I was thrown into. I needed someone to be there for me that night, but I couldn't turn to a single person. The one person who I thought would understand me turned out to be the one who broke me. It was so unfair to me. I told myself all I had to do was turn my wheel and it would be a done deal. As I was about to do so, a voice inside my head said, "It's not fair to your students."

That one line saved my life that night.

I thought of how unfair it would be for my students if I just left like that without a goodbye. I thought of how unfair it would be for my colleagues to have to tell my students why I left. I thought of how unfair it would be for the person replacing me in the middle of the school year. I know how challenging it is to be a substitute teacher and how much more difficult it is to be a long-term substitute. I have experienced it all when I took over a class that lost their teacher to cancer, and even then it was difficult for all of us. As much love as I poured into each kid and lesson every day, it was never enough. I didn't want my own class to experience the same hardships as that group of students. It's not fair to them or to anyone else. My burden was mine to bear alone. So, I drove back home and returned to school the next day.

After that night, I have been taking each day as it comes. I would be lying if I say I walked away stronger mentally and emotionally. The truth is I am still broken and recovering from depression. I cry when I cannot handle my emotions. I try to take care of myself before a mental breakdown happens. This occurs in many different ways, and many of them include being selfish with my time. One of those ways is learning how to say 'no' to those I respect and care about. Another is learning how to love and respect myself. 

Right now I have no confidence in how I look and who I am as a person. I am learning how to create the pieces of myself all over again one color at a time. Every time I feel I have made some progress on my canvas, another hue gets splashed on and I find myself right back where I started. It has been a very long and challenging year, but it has been exactly 11 months since that night and I am still here painting.

May 2021 bring good changes filled with love, growth, and the right hues.

Read More

Paper Thoughts #2

 

Screenshot taken from the Korean Drama "It's OK to Not be OK"

Typing out "I love you" is always easier for me than saying it out loud. I know I do not say it enough, if I even say it at all, but I truly love each and every one of you. When you walk into my life, whether you choose to stay or leave is entirely up to you. However, do know that whichever decision you make, you will ALWAYS be a part of my world. As hard as I try, I just cannot erase the footprints you will leave behind. I may go years without talking to you, and we may never see each other again, but that does not mean you will never cross my mind. And, if you have already left, still know that more than once, I thought of you.

I am a complicated person. Sometimes, I have nothing to say. Other times, I have too much to say. Both results in me unable to say anything at all. The more I love you and care about you, the closer I keep you to my heart. However, the closer you are, the harder it is for me to tell you how important you are to me. Instead, I will work ten times harder to protect you, to cherish you, and to prove that you matter a great deal to me. So, if I have never told you before, or if I have not said it lately, I LOVE each and every one of YOU. I have been thinking of you all, and I pray that you all are safe. Wherever you are right now, please be careful and take care of yourself. The next time we talk or see one another, I want it to be filled with joy.

Read More

Paper Thoughts #1

 9.20.2020: [BLANK ENTRY POSTED]

9.26.2020: I pondered for a very long time on how to begin this entry. Every beginning I thought of sounded cliche, including this one. No words sounded right when I first scribbled them down. 

In fact, I am still searching for the right words as I write this entry. However, I do not wish to keep postponing this post (that had initially been posted blank) any longer. I need to get my thoughts and feelings down even if they are just a string of incoherent rambles.

Sunday morning, I learned that a person I know had passed away in an accident. I knew this person from middle school- 6th grade to be precise. My family and I had just moved into town from out of state, and I was starting middle school for the very first time. I knew no one and had no friends. I was very lonely. Then, I walked into science period, and there he was. He was the first Hmong person I met in school that day and the only one to come talk to me. I immediately felt so much better knowing that there was another person I could connect with. I still remember feeling so stupid when we both got paired up for our egg drop experiment, and I had no clue what to do. I was trying to be smart, but in the end, our egg still cracked, and he just laughed. Everything was always so chill and easy with him.

Somewhere along the way, we grew apart. We were not even friends anymore because we stopped hanging out together in school. We started running with different crowds outside of school. He became one of the guys, and I became one of the nerds. We were still on friendly terms, but we lost that easy middle school friendship.

The last time I saw him was at his cousin's wedding. We shared a quick conversation to see how each other was doing, and again, he was full of smiles and laughter. Who knew it would be the last time I would ever see him again? No one suspected such a thing.

I did not realize how much I missed our friendship until I heard of his passing. It was a hit and run, which is not right at all. He was so young and so hard-working. He was definitely loved and missed by many. He touched many people's lives with his personality. And, as much as I hate to admit it because I know he would laugh at me if he knew, he also touched mine.

So... This post is for you. Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for always being true; even though your honesty hurt like hell. You always seem to see right through me, and that scared me shitless. But, you were still a good guy. Continue to be chill and happy where you are. Don't laugh too much at me now because I finally admit it, you were right about everything. Take care of yourself.

Read More

Scribbles from a Teacher

2017-2018, Year 1:

• 4th grade; first-year teacher
• Inclusive classroom; boy heavy
• He is a student who steals and bullies others for power and attention but cares deeply for his siblings. Guide him with respect and he will strive to meet those set expectations.
• A student who acts nonchalantly at school and at home but yearns for recognition. Provide positive praise and he will be the gentleman who never stops studying.
• A student who laughs a little too loud and jokes a bit too much to hide his insecurities. Patiently teach him, and boost his confidence, and he will overcome his fears.
• A student who can barely decode or write but possesses the most creative mind and talented hands. Give him space and time to let his artwork tell you his stories.
• A student who shies away from the spotlight to shine on his own. Just listen, for he has the answers.
• A student who wears a hearing aid but can read lips and looks like no one's business. Teach her how to socialize and she will go places.
• Highlights:
• Hurricane Irma struck our town, resulting in a week of learning loss from school. Fortunately, no major structural damage or lives were lost. The community united to provide assistance and resources to families who were affected.
• A parental complaint against the administration resulted in a personal visit to the principal's office. As an eyewitness of the said incident, a series of questions were answered during the interrogation by the sheriff.
• Ugly crying with a parent as she proceeded to thank me, in tears, for teaching her child how to love math and school again.

2018-2019, Year 2:

• 4th grade; all subjects
• Inclusive classroom; boy heavy
• A student who clowns around all the time to fit in with his peers but is actually very bright. Be firm, set boundaries, and expect the best because he will succeed.
• A student who bullies others and quits easily but has the softest heart and sweetest smile. Build trust, be present, and assign meaningful tasks and he will feel safe and important enough to try.
• A student who finds no errors in his actions or words but actually needs a role model. Teach him how to correct his mistakes and he will learn to be his own role model.
• A student who is visually impaired and the brightest of the bunch but faces failures. Model how to get back up, how to ask for help, and how to accept oneself and she will continue to shine.
• A student who struggles with reading and writing but excels at sports. Recognize his passion. Connect it with the curriculum and he will be motivated to learn.
• A student who does not realize how strong and amazing she is but will always have others' back. In the face of trauma, she will fight to rise back up. Help her get to the top.
• Highlights:
• Visited the children's hospital after work hours and waited with the guardian during the surgery. The attack by a pack of wild dogs left my student scarred physically but stronger than ever mentally and emotionally.
• Wrote 6 office referrals before 10:00 A.M. the day before school was out. Students brought fireworks poppers on campus and proceeded to pop them during a school-wide event. If the superintendent had a blacklist, I probably made it on there.
• Ugly crying in front of the entire class during a discussion of student safety and stranger danger.

2019-2020, Year 3:

• 4th grade; all subjects
• Inclusive classroom; gender equal
• A student who strives to be the best student, friend, daughter, and sister to everyone but herself. Remind her to take breaks for herself so she will continue to be the best.
• A student who continues to struggle academically but never gives up on learning. Recognize her efforts and celebrate the gains- no matter how small. She will make those gains.
• A student who does not know how to make a friend or be a friend but desires to be accepted. Teach her social skills and realize that it will take the whole village, which is O.K. She will make a good friend.
• A student who lacks the words to express his thoughts and emotions but wants to be heard. Be patient and supportive as he practices and he will voice his worries.
• A student cannot sit long enough to write his name but can only think of his family. Respect his responsibilities, validate his concerns, and provide guidance, for he will cooperate once his mind is at ease.
• A student who is on the spectrum and despises math with a passion but is a total bookworm full of snarky sarcasm. Set clear expectations and consequences. Be strict but supportive. He will work and flourish at the same time.
• Highlights:
• In the one month, the new student was in the class, all sorts of tattletales from students and adults in/out of the classroom were received. Parental complaints and reports were made to the office, resulting in countless discussions with administrations. I am a minority and I still got slapped in the face with the Race Card.
• COVID-19 struck and the state went on lockdown the week of spring break. The virus forced us to distance learning for the remaining quarter of the school year. No state tests were administered. No field trips were taken. No end-of-the-year celebrations. Never got to hug my students goodbye either.
• No ugly crying! Wrote my very first teacher grant that has been accepted.

2020-2021, Year 4:

• 4th grade; team teaching; only math, science, & writing (30-minute reading remediation)
• Inclusive classroom with rotations of 2 groups of students; boy heavy in one group and girl heavy in the other group
• 5 students were HiLo at the beginning of the school year (i.e., distance learning)
• The school year started with masks and social distancing for all staff, students, and parents. Seating charts are created in all content areas to make contact tracing easy- even in small groups!
• Several students from both classes had been quarantined during the school year for 2-weeks.
• Lots of fear and uncertainty every day, but learning continued with more efforts to teach new skills and remediate the loss of instruction from the previous school year.
• Taught the high-performing group in the morning and the low-performing group in the afternoon.
• A student who failed math in previous years but hung in there throughout the year. His mom was very grateful to see that her son could score a school grade that was not an F.
• A student who screamed and cried when frustrated. He cursed and blurt in class without realizing his actions were inappropriate. It took half a year, but by the end of the school year, he learned to take several deep breaths and talk himself through his struggles.
• A student who was always absent and hardly spoke, but once he was staffed, his personality started showing. His confidence increased and his attendance got better as he started receiving the support and remediation he needed. It's just heartbreaking that he wasn't able to receive the services he needed until the very end of the school year- after many hard battles fought.
• Highlights:
• The lower-performing group stole my heart. The sweetest and most inspiring group of learners. They worked so hard. From this group emerged considerate and well-behaved students who served as role models for their peers.
• Everyone survived the school year! Despite the masks and social distancing, we survived COVID-19.
• Team teaching was fun. A great teaching partner made team teaching effortless.

2021-2022, Year 5:

• 4th grade; all subjects; inclusive classroom
• New administration; co-chair of the team with our chair leader
• We lost a 4th-grade unit, so there were only 4 of us fourth-grade teachers.
• I had 25 kids in my classroom from the beginning of the school year. By mid-year, I had 26 kids because the kid had an IEP and was moved from 5th to 4th grade because of his lack of education.
• Teaching was challenging and very exhausting. As sweet as the kids were, it was very hard to be effective with the big class size. At the end of the day, I found myself asking if what I was doing was enough.
• A student on the spectrum who loved to read and draw. She spent most of the school year doodling in class but soaked in lessons like osmosis. I am so happy to say that she made reach after she left my classroom.
• A student who argued nonstop with me the entire school year. Very smart and capable, but very unmotivated. I have lost count of the number of banters we got ourselves in. However, underneath his tough shell is a little boy who just wants attention and love.
• Highlights:
• Another group of great kids. The beginning of the school year started off quite rough with a few of the boys, but overall, they looked out for each other quite well.
• I wouldn't trade any of my 26 kiddos for anyone else. As big as that number was, each one of them had a piece of my heart.
• Getting to experience the duties of the "chair" teacher. No lies- I don't care for it. Make someone else chairperson. I prefer to avoid being co-chair.
• Masks and social distancing were no longer mandatory! No distance learning either.
• First time teaching summer school to 3rd graders who didn't pass the state test.

2022-2023, Year 6:

• 4th grade; team teaching; all subjects except reading
• New standards and a new curriculum implemented
• End-of-year assessment does not count but will be used as a monitoring tool
• Inclusive classroom with rotations of 2 groups of students
• We're back to 4 fourth-grade teachers because our chairperson left
• 1st hired co-teacher quit after the first 2 weeks of school
• 2nd co-teacher stepped in after a month of vacancy
• A student who survived a brain tumor. She has the kindest soul and the biggest heart.
• All of these events happened on the same day in exactly this order:
• I had to call the administration because a student decided to vape in my class at 8:00 in the morning. He then proceeded to lie to me until the item was found on him. I'm an elementary teacher, so this incident shook me.
• I had a visitor from the court visit me at my job site. I was served a witness subpoena letter for a custody battle over a student. I'm rattled is the only way I can describe how I feel about this whole incident.
• I was informed during an investigation that an official lawsuit had been launched against the school. I am hurt and upset at all the false accusations made. I know the truth will prevail, but I'm still heartbroken that this incident is even happening at all.
• None of these kiddos are even in my homeroom. I only have them for 2 hours every day.

2022-2024, Year 7:

• 4th grade; team teaching; all subjects except reading
• Inclusive classroom with rotations of 2 groups of students
• A student who lied, stole, and instigated problems with both adults and students. Yet, he has such good Southern manners that often get him out of his consequences. At the end of the school year, he was the one who went through the biggest behavior change. He cried on his last day at school. I cried seeing him cry.
• Lots and lots of girl dramas. This is probably the year with the greatest amount of girl drama I've had to solve between friends.
• Through all the rough patches of this school year, these two groups of students turned out to be the most emotional and expressive ones of the bunch. Almost every one of them cried as they all bid their friends good-bye on the last two days of school.
• My last year teaching at this elementary school.

Read More