“…Hello? Kai?”
“Evol?”
“Y-Yes…. I-did I wake you up?
I’m sorry.”
“It is all right. Is something
wrong? Why are you calling so late?”
“It’s…. I…. Can you meet me in
the park tomorrow? I… um… has something to tell you.”
“Sure. Is tomorrow morning at
9 okay?”
“Yes! I- I will see you
tomorrow then. Good night!”
“Good night.”
I
paced back and forth in front of the picnic table, clenching and unclenching my
fists. I was anxious to see Kai and get my confession over with, but at the
same time, I was filled with nervousness. I felt sick to my stomach. My throat
felt undeniably dried too, and I was nervous I would not be able to get any
words out when I see him. I glanced at my watch and groaned when I saw that it
was only 8:50 A.M. I could not sleep last night and ended up coming half an
hour earlier than the appointed time.
An
autumn breeze blew past and I consciously held up both my hands to hold my hair
in place. Once the breeze has passed, I readjusted my clothing for the
hundredth time before I began pacing again. Although the pacing was supposed to
help calmed my nerves, it did little of that. Instead, it added more ‘what ifs’
to the jumble of mess in my head. I was so busy practicing my confession in my
head that I did not noticed Kai’s arrival.
“Evol?”
I jumped at the sound of his voice. “Are you all right?”
I
whirled around to face him, and for a second I lost my breath. His hair was
still wet from his morning shower and out of place from walking in the wind.
Yet, he still looked absolutely stunning when he peered into my face with
concerned eyes. His hand came up and brushed my bangs away from my eyes. The
warmth of his touch seeped through my skin all the way to bottom of my heart
and for a moment I forgot why we were there so early in the morning.
“You
have bags under your eyes,” he said, his voice pulling me away from my trance,
“but you don’t seem to have a fever. Did you not sleep well last night?” When I
pulled away from him without an answer, he hooked an index finger under my chin
and lifted it up to meet his penetrating eyes. “Evol?”
“…I
have something I want to tell you.”
He
let go of my chin and took a step back so that I could be within his view. “Yes,
that is what you said to me last night. What is it? Tell me. I am listening.”
My
heart was racing a mile a minute, its sound resonating loudly in my ears.
Suddenly Kai seemed really close, and how ever my confession was prepared
earlier was no longer important. The nervousness was still screaming within me,
but the urge to confess to Kai overpowered it along with everything else. I did
not give myself a chance to give everything else a second thought for fear of backing
out. Summoning the little bit of courage that I had, I took a deep breath and
closed the distance between us again.
“Kai…
I like you.”
There
was a long moment of silence as neither of us said anything after that. Our
eyes continued to hold one another but other than blinking now and then,
neither of us made any motion of moving. I was afraid to move, to look away, or
to even laugh and said that I was just joking. The atmosphere between us has
changed from calm and comfortable into something strange and awkward. It was
not the same awkward as the time when we first met one another, or the same
awkwardness that one felt when an uncomfortable topic has been raised and
neither party knew how to respond. It was a totally different atmosphere that
felt suffocating.
Finally,
I could not take it anymore. “Say something please.” I averted my eyes and
backed away from him. “It is scarier than a rejection when you just stand
there.”
Kai
scratched the back of his head sheepishly while an embarrass smile formed on
his lips. He was trying to act nonchalant and unaffected but when his eyes met
mine again, they were filled with apologies. My heart sank.
“I
am sorry. I did not mean to put you on the spot, you know, after you have just
confessed… to me of all guys. Listen Evol, I am really grateful that you are
interested in me even though I am not the best looking guy in town, or the
perfect guy that every girl hopes for, but… I cannot accept your feelings.”
My
throat felt dry again and I had to force myself to remain calm. I wanted to run
away and hide, to cry my eyes out in my room, but I wanted to know one more thing.
“May I… may I ask why?”
“I…
I already have a girlfriend.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out his
cellphone. He flipped it opened and showed me the screen. Smiling out at me was
a picture of him with his arms wrapped around the waist of a beautiful girl
around our age. He had rested his chin on her left shoulder while she leaned
her head against his as they stared in the direction of the camera. They looked
really happy together. “Her name is Hope. We have been together for three years
now. She… is coming to see me today. I… wanted to ask if you want to come with
me to go pick her up from the airport. Do you- do you still want to go?”
“No,”
I answered, shaking my head. I could feel the tears welling up and all I wanted
to do at the moment was leave this place. “I- I promised my mom this morning
that I would run an errand for her today. It is getting kind of late too so I
should head back. I will um… see you later.”
I
gave him a forced smile before I made a move to walk past him. He instinctively
held out his hand and caught my arm before I could get passed him. “Evol, wait.
I… Even though I cannot accept your feelings, I hope that we can still be
friends.”
“Friends….”
The word hurt so much. “Sure. Friends forever right?”
“…Right.”
He knew that I was lying and I knew that he knew, but at the moment neither of
us was brave enough to pursue the matter anymore. His grip on my arm gradually
loosened and then it was gone. “I will see you later then.”
“Right.”
The journey home was cloaked
in tears and hurt. The pain of a broken heart was unbearable especially when
Kai was my first love. I cannot remember how long I mourned my broken heart but
the pain eventually subsided and all that was left of the wound was an ugly
scar. Kai and I were never the same after that day. Our friendship disappeared
and any kind of relationship that we had or should have had never took course
again. The last thing that I heard about him was that he and his family had
returned to the United States. That news took place two months after my
confession. I have not heard from him since.
Even though I kept on hoping
and waiting that one-day he would return whether with or without his girlfriend
so that we could make up, the day never came. He never sent me a letter nor
gave me a call, and sometimes I wonder why. Maybe I should not have been so
selfish and stubborn. Maybe I should not have confessed so willfully without
considering his feelings. Maybe I should give him a call first and apologize.
However, I was scared, and because I was scared, I continued to hold back.
In the end, Kai and I still had been nothing more than just friends.
© N. Hli 2015 All rights reserved.
[Official date of completion: August 2011]
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