"Because I'm already dead."

4/19/2023: The dream began with me working in my classroom after school hours. The school was pretty empty except for myself and a few colleagues and their kids. I don't know if I was there to set up or take things down, but there were a lot of furniture and school supplies stacked upon one another in the middle of my classroom. Black trash bags were scattered around the classroom and nothing was organized. I looked around, appalled at the disorganization that had occurred. I couldn't remember why it was so messy, and as I surveyed the room, I noticed my colleagues and their kids kept entering and leaving my classroom. They'd come to move something out and then brings something they didn't want back in. They didn't bother placing it nicely in the room either. They'd just throw the item on top of another item or wherever there was an empty spot on the floor.

I looked at one of my colleagues and asked her what was going on. She told me they needed to set up their room for summer school. Since I wasn't going to be teaching summer school that they were going to use my classroom as a storage space. I wasn't informed of this change, so I decided to go look for our administration to clarify the situation. I found our vice principal and she shrugged off my concern about them using my classroom as a storage space. I was fairly upset that my feelings didn't matter at that moment, so I left work.

When I got home, everyone was busy with a task. There was this slight buzz of chaos inside the house like there were a lot of people over. I didn't see those people though when I entered the house. I just saw my sister and first brother, but they both looked occupied.

"What's going on?" I asked as I approached them.

I noticed my sister was holding onto the leash of a mixed white and grey husky dog. The dog was prancing around her as if it too sensed the buzz in the air.

"We're doing ua neeb (a healing ceremony) today," she responded.

"What are you doing with a dog?"

"We're trying to see where we can put the dog," my brother answered. "We thought about leaving him at Peter's house for today, but his dad is allergic to dogs. We can't just tie him up in case he bites one of the kids."

"Can't we put him in his cage?" I asked. 

"Maybe," answered my sister. "Except, there's no cage big enough for him."

"Then where are you going to leave the dog?"

My sister shrugged. "I don't know. We can't keep him here while we do ua neeb. I guess I'm just going to have to find a place for him."

Then she walked off with the dog and my brother. After they walked off, I made my way back to my sister and my bedroom. When I got to the doorway, I saw that Dad, my second brother, and another uncle were inside the room. The uncle was standing against the opposite wall instructing my brother and Dad what to do as they swept the tiles with a bamboo broomstick.

"Dad, what are you guys doing?" I asked.

"We're cleansing the house," he answered. He continued to sweep around the room with the broom except he wasn't waving it in the air but kept sweeping it underneath the bed. He and my brother were both on their knees as they try to reach the farthest corner under the bed. The Uncle just kept telling them what to do instead of helping them.

I watched them a little bit before Mom approached me.

"You're home?"

I nodded. "Who are we doing ua neeb for?"

"Ua neeb to heal our family," Mom answered. She said it as if it was supposed to be obvious to me even though it wasn't.

Then, I noticed that Mom was on the phone. She seemed to be talking to a Shaman on the other end of the line. She didn't even try to mask her conversation. As I listened to her, I realized that she was talking to the woman about me.

"My daughter just got home," she said. "I want to ask you if you'll spare a moment to look at her too (i.e., perform a reading). She wasn't home when we did ua neeb earlier."

I could hear the woman on the other line as she told Mom she could perform the reading for me, but at the same time, she could also walk Mom through the process. Mom agreed.

"Take 2 incense sticks and have your daughter blow into it twice," the Shaman woman instructed. "Then, knock it on her head 2 times."

"Alright, I did that. Now what?"

I can't remember exactly why Mom gave me the phone, but at one point, she handed me the phone to talk to the Shaman lady. I think she asked me for my name and age.

I think I told her my old Hmong name- N. Hli. I don't know why, but I think I was addressed as N. Hli in this dream rather than by my new Hmong name.

"Take the incense sticks outside to read them If you are performing a reading on a daughter, then you must do the reading outside. If you are performing a reading on a son, then you can stay inside the house. You must go outside if you want to see your daughter's fortune."

I remember thinking to myself how sexist the cultural practice was. Just because the daughters are the ones that get married off (leaving the parents' home in our Hmong culture) that our fortune could only be read outside the house. Meanwhile, the sons' fortune could be read inside the house where they are blessed and protected by the family alters (ancestors).

This thought had just crossed my mind when my "mind" in my dream started to slip. I remember becoming very weak as I heard a voice in my head. It was a male's voice telling me to go with him. His voice was very clear and powerful. I couldn't fight him off or get him out of my head. 

It was something along the lines of he had already marked me or claimed me as his. If I didn't go with him, then I would never live in peace again because he'll continue to haunt me until I lose my sanity. Then, he started to sing, and the longer he sang the crazier I got. Dad and my second brother rushed out of the room and caught me as I fell to the ground. My sister and first brother also ran inside at the chaos. They started shouting for Mom to come inside and help, but they all sounded so distant. I felt so helpless.

Finally, I said to him inside my mind, "Please, I'll go with you. Just stop singing."

The moment I told him I agreed to go with him, my spirit left my body. It was as if someone yanked my spirit out of my body. I floated up over my family as they tried to wake my body up. I flew out the door and back to the school where I had initially seen myself. 

When I got to the school, I realized that I was already dead. Everything that I had seen earlier was just myself reliving the last moments of my life. My spirit called to my colleagues but no one heard me. No one saw me.

A hard tug on my hand and I found myself standing in front of a funeral home with a man. I honestly cannot remember this man or what he looked like. It was almost as if he was invisible to my eyes, but at the same time, I could see him because he was a spirit like myself. He was holding onto my left wrist as we stood there.

I don't know where we were going, but before we could go any further, two men stopped us. I don't know who they were at that moment. They felt familiar to me. At first, I thought they were my brother and Dad. However, I don't think they were either. Later on in the dream, they appeared to be firefighters from this one TV show that I watched, but at that moment, they weren't. They were just two familiar men.

"Where are you going?" the younger man asked me. "You can't go with him."

"But, I already told him I will go with him," I answered. "I gave him my words."

The man beside me had not said anything or reacted in any way yet.

"Do you know what he is?" the older man asked. I shook my head. "He is not a good person."

"Look at him," the younger one insisted. "He has hurt your family before. He will hurt them again even if you go with him."

I looked at the man beside me. At this time, I could feel him getting angry at these two men.

I'm not sure what happened next, but I saw Dad getting hurt by this man. I don't know if I saw it when I looked at him or if I saw it because the other two men wanted me to see it. When I saw what kind of evil this man was capable of doing, I didn't want to go with him anymore. I fought against him, and I managed to pull myself free. 

After I broke free, the man took out a knife and lunged at the two men. I grabbed his hand just in time to stop him. The two men didn't seem afraid of the man. When I tried to push them away, I couldn't touch them. My hand went through them as if they were real humans but could see and talk to us.

"Run!" I told them. Then, to the man, "Please stop!"

It was a battle between him and me with the knife. I wasn't strong enough to yank the knife out of his hand, but at the same time, he wasn't strong enough to fling me off either. After a little while of this tug-of-war and he finally let go of the knife. I fell away with it just to see him take out a gun and aim it at the men. When the men saw the gun, they became frightened. I don't know how I knew, but I knew that even if the bullet couldn't hurt them right away that it would cause an internal injury. They were going to die from the inside out if I didn't help them.

I jumped in front of them and threw my arms out as if I could shield them. 

"You guys have to go now," I insisted. "I don't know how much longer I can hold him off."

"We're not leaving without you," they said. "You have to come with us."

"How?" I asked as the man approached us. At that moment, a thought crossed my mind.

This is the part where I said the men then became firefighters whom I was familiar with from a TV show. I told them to start a fire and set off fireworks. Illegal fireworks at this time of the night would cause an uproar and bring help to us. The amount of attention that we are going to draw will prevent the man from hurting us. So the men did. They set off fireworks, and my little plan worked.

The moment the fireworks went off, the light and noise scared the man into hiding. The moment he jumped into the darkness to hunt for us, the two men whisked me away from the place. I remember grabbing onto one of the man's wrists to guide them on where to go as if I knew my directions very well. I wasn't necessarily touching the man's skin but he could feel my touch- almost like a tingly sensation. I don't know how I knew. I just knew.

I led the men to a firehouse. Their chief and lieutenant were outside the firehouse waiting for us.

"Don't tell me it was you guys who set off the fireworks," the chief scolded as soon as we came upon them. She looked at both of them sternly but proudly before she added, "Whatever your reasons are, I believe you did it for a good cause. Now get your act together and let's go stop what you've started."

The younger man smiled gratefully at her before turning to me. 

"Go," he said, nudging me toward the firehouse. "Your family is waiting for you."

Then, as if he and his crew could sense the man's approaching presence at the same time I did, they all got together and blocked the entrance. I felt this tug as if someone pushed me inside the firehouse right before the man walked by. He didn't notice me. After he passed, the crew left to deal with the noise that we'd caused earlier.

I entered the firehouse to see Mom waiting for me.

"What are you doing here?" she asked. "Come on, let's go home. We still have a lot of work to do at home."

"OK," I answered as I followed her.

We materialized inside a car. Dad appeared to be driving while she and I sat in the back seat. Mom was sitting by the left window while my baby sister and I sat in the middle. My second brother sat on the other side of my baby sister. He was messing around with my baby sister, making her burst into fits of laughter. Mom and I watched them for a little while.

Then, Mom said to me, "N. Hli, can you take your phone and videotape them? Record them while they're playing together like this so she can watch herself later on and see how she used to be with her brother."

I turned to Mom. "I can't," I told her.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm already dead."

My mom looked at me then, like she really looked at me, and finally saw my true form. I saw my form shimmer as her eyes pierced right through me.

"How is this possible?" she asked, her voice breaking. "Your body is still at home..."

"I know," I whispered. "I'm sorry."

I think it finally clicked with my mom that I was indeed dead. She turned away to look out the window as she continued to talk to herself. It sounded like she was sorting her thoughts out.

"Your body is still at home, but you're here. No wonder. Earlier, when I was foreseeing your future, I saw two insects (frogs/crickets?). I tried to shoo them away but they wouldn't leave. They kept watching me, so I threw them into the fire. After I burnt them, the sky darkened. I became jumpy. Even the chickens were scaring me, so I came inside. Now you're dead."

"I'm sorry," I kept telling Mom. "I'm so sorry. The sky didn't want you to burn those two spirits. The sky wanted to take them to trial. It was those two, Mom."

I don't know if by 'those two,' I meant that they were the ones who killed me or if they were the ones who helped me. At one time, I felt like they were the ones who stole my spirit away. On another, I felt like they were the ones trying to deliver a message to my mom that I was in danger. And, by trial, I don't know if they were wanted on trial as witnesses or as criminals. I woke up before I could dream any further or obtain any more clarity.